All Over The Guy
by Dragon Mistress
Summary: Siegfried’s loveless. And what’s more, he’s a virgin! Which of the SC2 characters will win dear Siggy’s heart (and innocence)? (For all you whiners out there... there is SLASH within... now shut up and stop complaining.)


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Soul Calibur 2, its characters, or anything connected to it. Link belongs to Nintendo. Necrid belongs to Todd McFarlane. The title All Over The Guy' is the title of a movie about two gay men who get hooked up by their friends.  
  
**Summary:** Siegfried's loveless. And what's more, he's a virgin! Which of the SC2 characters will win dear Siggy's heart (and innocence)?  
  
**Note:** Don't let the title fool you. I never saw the movie All Over The Guy', so this story is nothing like it. I just liked the title, so I stole it. Heheh.  
  
  
  
~All Over The Guy~  
  
  
  
It was Valentine's Day.  
  
Siegfried Schtauffen was in bed, dreaming about the one thing all sexy German men dream about on Valentine's Day - the Land of Chocolate.  
  
He was happily cavorting through a shower of chocolate chips and taking bites out of chocolate lampposts, chocolate buildings, and chocolate dogs when a loud voice boomed, Time to get up, Siggy!!  
  
Startled out of his sleep, Siegfried yelped and fell out of bed. He blinked sleepily up at the man who had so rudely disturbed him. Maxi, what do you want?  
  
The dark-haired pirate smiled mischievously, his gaze moving downward. Nothing much. Didn't know you slept naked.  
  
Siegfried flushed and yanked the sheet over his lower body. Knock next time, he muttered.  
  
Maxi ignored this. You _do_ know it's Valentine's Day, right, Siggy?  
  
_Gott en Himel_. the disgruntled blonde muttered. Stupid holiday - you woke me up for that?  
  
_Hai,_ Siggy! Cos I woke up this morning and realized something.  
  
Siegfried got to his feet, wrapping the sheet firmly around his waist so it looked like he was wearing the bottom half of a wedding dress. And what might that be?  
  
Maxi smiled sweetly. You don't have a significant other to ravish!  
  
So? I never had the time. Siegfried picked through his clothes and finally decided on plain green trousers and a white button-down shirt. The other man stared.  
  
No time? Well, I guess I can understand that.... c'mon, you've at least had sex, right?  
  
Siegfried didn't reply; instead he became very interested in a bird on the windowsill. Maxi let out a hoot of laughter.  
  
Siggy! Not you! Mr. Big And Scary is still a _virgin_?!  
  
Siegfried pushed past Maxi, mumbling German profanities under his breath as he headed for the bathroom. Maxi stayed where he was for a moment, grinning to himself, then turned sharply on his heel and marched out of the room.  
  
I'll make this a Valentine's Day to remember! he smirked as he set about rounding up help.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
Minutes later, Maxi had rounded up a reluctant Raphael, a surly Mitsurugi, and a very confused-looking Hwang and Yunsung. They eyed him apprehensively as he taped a picture of Siegfried to the wall and pointed to it.  
  
There we are, boys! Our mission!  
  
Mitsurugi asked skeptically.  
  
_Hai, hai_! Because I have startling news about our dear Siggy.  
  
He's not a real blonde? Hwang asked.  
  
NO! I mean, he _is_ a real blonde, I can attest to that after this morning, but that's not what I'm talking about here.  
  
How did you find _that_ out? Yunsung asked as Hwang and Raphael looked revolted.  
  
How was _I_ to know he sleeps naked? But that's not the point! The point is, Siggy's a VIRGIN!  
  
A ringing silence followed this announcement. After five dumbfounded moments, Raphael finally mustered the courage to speak.  
  
Er - how did you find THAT out?  
  
He blushed when I asked him and didn't answer. Maxi replied.  
  
Why did you want to know if he was a virgin?!  
  
I DIDN'T! Listen! I realized this morning in bed that Siggy doesn't have a significant other. So I think we need to find him one.  
  
Why were you thinking of Siegfried in bed? Mitsurugi asked coyly.  
  
Maxi screamed in frustration. Are you going to help me or not?!  
  
The other four men exchanged glances and smiled evilly.  
  
said Hwang. Why not?  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
Okay, Sophitia! Are you ready? Maxi asked.  
  
the blonde warrior said crossly. She was wearing a tight blue tank top and a tiny leather skirt, and the sourest look in existence. Why am I doing this again? I'm mar-  
  
Married, yes, we know, Maxi grumbled. We're just doing this to see if he's interested in getting with someone!  
  
Sophitia glared. I don't see why you have to butt into his business. If he wanted someone, he'd go out and find them on his own.  
  
Darling, just go and woo him, Maxi hissed, pushing her into the living room, where Siegfried sat reading the newspaper.   
  
Sophitia straightened her top and plastered what she hoped was a seductive smile on her face. Hello, Siegfried.  
  
_Guten tag_, Sophitia, Siegfried murmured, not looking up from his paper.  
  
Hmm. Not exactly the reaction they were all hoping for. Sophitia glanced over her shoulder to where Maxi, Mitsurugi, Raphael, Yunsung, and Hwang were watching from behind the door. They all made go on!' gestures with their hands; so, sighing, Sophitia smoothed out her skirt, smiled, and sat down beside Siegfried. She put her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder. You know, Siegfried, it's Valentine's Day today.  
  
_Ja_.... I already knew that... the man mumbled softly.  
  
Oh... well, I was thinking...... maybe you want to.... I don't know, have some fun together?  
  
He lowered his paper. You're married.  
  
  
  
I'm flattered, but I'm not one to mess with a married woman. And with that, Siegfried folded up his paper and left, leaving a dumbfounded Sophitia staring after him. It didn't make sense. All right, maybe Siegfried _had_ been possessed by an evil sword, but he _had_ killed an awful lot of people. To think someone like that had such strict ideas about sex....  
  
Maxi and his assistants' entered the room, looking as bewildered as Sophitia felt.   
  
Okay, maybe I should have foreseen that, Maxi said hastily as Sophitia opened her mouth to complain.   
  
Such hindsight, Hwang mumbled.  
  
Now he must think I'm a slut! Sophitia burst into tears.  
  
Raphael patted her awkwardly on the head. Okay, what next? he asked.  
  
Maxi sighed. Well, now we have to find a new temptation... maybe Cassandra....   
  
Sophitia yelled.  
  
Okay, okay, how about Seung Mina?  
  
THAT old granny?! Yunsung shrieked, only earning himself a reproving bonk on the head from Hwang.  
  
Fine then! Reluctantly, Maxi added up his choices. We could ask Talim or Ivy - he shuddered - or Xianghua..... and if all else fails, we have TAKI!  
  
If he doesn't like them? Mitsurugi asked.  
  
Uh.... then we give up on the girls and decide he's gay.  
  
And leave him alone? Yunsung asked hopefully.   
  
No, you idiot! We find him a boyfriend! Maxi said impatiently, rolling his eyes.  
  
Yunsung groaned.  
  
Not me! Hwang said instantly.  
  
I KNOW NOT YOU! Maxi yelled. Let's not worry about that yet. NOBODY can resist Taki - I think we all know why - the whole point is to get him laid! Then he and his lover can decide what happens next!  
  
_Oui, oui_, Raphael said brusquely. Let's go find Xianghua......  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
  
Xianghua sat with her arms crossed and a horrible frown on her face. Don't give me that look, Maxi! I will not seduce Siegfried! If you're so desperate for him to lose his virginity, sleep with him yourself!  
  
I don't swing that way! Maxi yelped as his assistants' and Sophitia burst into giggles behind him. Xianghua merely stuck her tongue out at him and scowled harder.  
  
Maxi begged his friend.   
  
No! Did it ever occur to you that maybe Siegfried just wants to be alone?!  
  
Maxi banged his head on the wall in frustration. Okay, okay... but do _you_ have any ideas?  
  
Xianghua stopped to consider this. She smiled. How about Ivy? She's had a crush on him forever, it seems.  
  
  
  
Five seconds later, Ivy was tapping her chin thoughtfully, considering their proposition. Maxi and his assistants', along with Sophitia and Xianghua, waited eagerly for her answer. As they were waiting, Seung Mina moseyed up to them. What's going on?  
  
Trying to get Siggy laid, Maxi said.  
  
Ivy beamed. I'll do it!  
  
Mina gaped. Are you telling me Siegfried's a VIRGIN?!  
  
Sophitia filled her in as Maxi hooted in joy and jumped up and down. Oh, oh, Ivy, I could kiss you! he said happily. But I'll leave that to Siegfried! Let's go!  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
Siegfried was passing the time rather happily in the kitchen, where he was fulfilling his dream about the Land of Chocolate by eating a large chocolate sundae. He made the cutest picture, Ivy thought to herself, licking her lips as she eyed him from behind the kitchen door. He had his long hair in a ponytail and was reading the funnies as he ate his ice cream. A very un-Siegfried-ish attitude; but Ivy didn't care.  
  
She pushed open the kitchen door and strode into the room. The sound of her spike heels made Siegfried look up. He opened his mouth to say hello, but suddenly found himself unable to speak. Ivy was wearing several tiny patches of red leather held together with strips of red lace so thin they were almost nonexistent. The teensy outfit looked ready to burst under the strain of supporting Ivy's well-endowed frame. Siegfried's eyes widened almost to the point of tumbling out of his head; though with amazement or horror Ivy couldn't tell.   
  
She leaned on the table directly across from him, allowing him a very generous view. He continued to gape at her, his spoon still halfway to his mouth and dripping chocolate sauce onto the tablecloth.  
  
It's Valentine's Day, dear Siegfried, Ivy purred, reaching out to run a hand over his broad shoulders. You know what it's all about? Making love for hours on end....  
  
The large German finally seemed to come to his senses. Er... that's nice.... but I, uh, have other things to do....  
  
Ivy scowled and pulled a whip out of thin air. She didn't like how this was going.   
  
she barked, and he froze halfway to the door. Smiling, she sauntered up to him and began unbuttoning his shirt. Good. I knew you'd come to your senses.  
  
He slapped her hands away. Ivy! If you think I'm going to have sex with you just to make Maxi happy..... you're very mistaken...  
  
She snapped the whip threateningly. Now you're asking for it!  
  
No, really, I -  
  
On your knees, dog!  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Maxi was listening outside the kitchen door. Raphael, Mitsurugi, Yunsung, Hwang, Sophitia, Xianghua, and Mina, now joined by Cassandra and Talim, were waiting for a positive signal from him. But things seemed to be going wrong. Maxi was frowning; shouting could now be heard from behind the door.  
  
On your knees, dog!  
  
Ivy's voice made them all jump; there was a high, girly shriek and the sound of a whip cracking and dishes shattering. Maxi's eyes widened in horror; Talim and Cassandra clapped their hands over their mouths as Mitsurugi began cackling and had to stifle his laughter in his kimono sleeve.  
  
God, I didn't want her to _rape_ him! Maxi screeched, flinging open the door. Siegfried tumbled through, screaming, Get her away from meeeeee!!!! as he tried to crawl away. Mitsurugi broke down completely, laughing so hard he was beet-red.  
  
Maxi slammed to kitchen door and stuck a chair under the knob so Ivy couldn't get out. He turned around to apologize, but before he could, Siegfried punched him right in the eye.  
  
Maxi stumbled backward and was caught by Hwang and Mina; Siegfried was glowering at them all.   
  
I'll thank you KINDLY to keep your noses OUT of my SEX LIFE! he shouted, before storming off to parts unknown.  
  
Cassandra said, rolling her eyes.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Half an hour later, Taki was being herded along by... well, everyone else. She was dressed in the smallest shirt anyone could have come up with; actually, it was one of Talim's, and its owner was less than happy about the way the shirt was getting stretched out of shape, but it couldn't be helped.   
  
He's in here, Maxi hissed, coming to a halt in front of the bathroom door. He opened it a crack and peeked in to see Siegfried soaking in a massive bubble bath, a strong drink in his hand. Grinning wickedly, the pirate turned to Taki. Okay, get in there and seduce him!  
  
He's in the tub! Taki hissed back.   
  
Who cares! That's even better! Now _go_, woman!  
  
Maxi pushed Taki through the door. She nearly tripped over the hamper and growled softly, then straightened her super-tight shirt. Siegfried was eyeing her suspiciously.  
  
What do you want? he groused. In case you haven't noticed, I'm in here.  
  
Thought you might like some company, Taki replied breezily, stripping off her too-small clothes. She was wearing the tiniest set of black lacy underwear the world had ever seen underneath. Siegfried sighed, tilted his head back, and began hitting it on the edge of the tub.   
  
Taki inquired innocently, perching on the counter beside the tub and striking a pose.   
  
He gently nudged her gartered thigh away from his head. I can't even take a bath in here without getting molested!  
  
The ninja winked down at him, getting more interested by the minute. The bubbles in the tub were starting to disappear, and Taki wondered if she would be able to keep him here until they disappeared entirely. She had seen his top half tons of times, very nice, but now she was getting _very _curious as to what the lower half looked like....  
  
-Can't stand it... She realized Siegfried had been talking.  
  
What did you say, gorgeous?  
  
I said, I've had enough of Maxi's schemes, and I can't stand it! the knight scowled. He clamped a hand firmly over her eyes; Taki could hear splashing and sloshing as Siegfried got out of the tub. She struggled, and he let go of her, but to her deep disappointment he had his trousers back on. She huffed, then smiled and stood. She pressed herself against him, taking his hand and placing it on her well-endowed chest.   
  
Come on, Siggy.... it's a special day.... don't you want someone to spend it with?  
  
he said, pushing her away from him.  
  
You at _least_ want a warm body to snuggle up to, she tried.  
  
I was fine in the tub, thanks. Now, leave me be!  
  
Taki snarled. No! Not until I've seen you with your pants off! She leaped onto him, knocking him down, and fumbled with his zipper as he slapped at her hands and tried to throw her off.  
  
Gah!! Taki, STOP! _NEIN!_ I've already been molested by Ivy, don't you do it too!!!  
  
Taki shrieked, rolling off him and diving into the tub. You TOUCHED her?! Arrrgh!! MUST - GET - IVY - GERMS - _OFF! _She seized the soap and began scrubbing madly at her arms. Siegfried saw his chance and fled, vowing to find Maxi and rip his head off as soon as possible.  
  
Maxi, who had been hiding in a broom cupboard with the others, scowled as he emerged once Siegfried's screams had faded. Okay, then he's gay!  
  
Now what do we do? Cassandra inquired.  
  
It was Mina who answered, an evil smile sprouting on her lovely face. We get Link!  
  
Link? The fairy? Raphael asked.  
  
Yes!! Remember that outfit he showed up in the other day....  
  
Ohhhh yeahhh, Maxi said, his eyes alight with comprehension. Let's go, then!  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
Siegfried collapsed on the couch, pushing his bangs out of his eyes. Curse this stupid holiday... stupid, stupid... so useless... I've been traumatized for life....  
  
What's wrong, Siegfried?  
  
The knight opened an eye to see Kilik leaning on the back of the couch and looking down at him with concern. That was the nice thing about Kilik; he honestly cared about everybody, even former enemies.  
  
Siegfried closed his eyes. It's Valentine's Day, Kilik.  
  
  
  
Maxi wants to get me laid. So far I've been seduced by a married woman, nearly raped by a half-crazed dominatrix, and almost had oral sex forced on me by a ninja! This is the worst holiday ever!  
  
Kilik shook his head. He found out you're a virgin, didn't he?  
  
Siegfried sat up. HOW DID YOU KNOW?!  
  
I didn't, until you told me about Maxi, and then I guessed. He tried to do the same thing to me once.  
  
Did it work?  
  
No. I told him if he didn't leave me alone he'd find himself with those precious nunchucks of his in a place that wouldn't feel very nice.  
  
Siegfried's eyes widened as this sunk in. Then you - you're -  
  
Still a virgin, yeah. I say, who cares, when I find the right someone, that'll be the time.  
  
The blonde smiled. You know, Kilik, I think you've just given me an idea...  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
I saw Siggy go up to his room a little while ago, Maxi said, as they came to a halt in front of the door of Siegfried's room. So, Link, all you have to do is work your magic.  
  
Link asked, obviously confused. He was wearing a pink tunic and carrying the Great Fairy's Sword (which was, by the way, pink). He looked ...... gay. There was no other way to put it.   
  
Yes, that's it, go on! Hwang urged.   
  
Hyyaa? Seyahh? Link asked. While they knew he could understand English, it was quite obvious that he couldn't speak it. Maxi wondered how many times the kid had been dropped on his head as a baby.  
  
Just get in there and make Siggy feel really good! Maxi hissed, pushing Link ahead of him and flinging open the door.  
  
  
Everyone froze. Siegfried was lying in bed, naked, his arms around an also-naked Kilik. Both men looked perfectly happy to be where they were; at least, there was quite a bit of steamy action going on. When the door opened, both Siegfried and Kilik stopped kissing and stroking each other and looked up, smiling sweetly.  
  
Look, love, Kilik said. We have an audience!  
  
Just what we needed, Siegfried said lazily, smiling broadly. Anyone want to join in?  
  
Link slammed the door shut in reply. He and the others all turned to glare at Maxi.  
  
Er.... mission accomplished? he asked meekly.  
  
Link roared, brandishing his Great Fairy's Sword, and Maxi fled as everyone pulled their weapons out of thin air and began chasing him.  
  
  
In Siegfried's bed, Siegfried and Kilik looked at each other and began to giggle.  
  
I think we showed them, Kilik remarked.  
  
Siegfried agreed.  
  
This is rather nice, though, isn't it? Kilik asked, his voice lowering to a husky murmur.  
  
Siegfried sighed blissfully as Kilik started doing very naughty things to him with his hand. Mmm. It is.  
  
Shall we....?  
  
We shall. And for many more nights after this, I hope.  
  
I can't argue with that, Kilik smiled.  
  
Siegfried breathed, giving Kilik a kiss and pulling the blankets over them.  
  
  
THE END  



End file.
